I don't know if your familiar with Libby Anne's ongoing blog series "Love, Joy, Feminism," (or if you'd even find it useful) but she blogs often, and at length, about growing up in a household that followed many of those same philosophies. Her stories and analysis go a long way to explaining what's really going on behind the scenes there (which is, as you say, a lot more than just one guy doing one bad thing.)

Here's a link to her page, if you're interested: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/